Jimmy & I went to the career center today and came back w/ nothing but disappointment in psychology and the lack of good paying jobs. Talking to my dad today I realized maybe I will settle for a career that I don't particularly like as much...like school psychology...and then work on something I'm more passionate about later in life. It seems like that's the only job in psych besides I/O that pays decent money.

Man, I nearly had a heart attack just now when I couldn't find the 500$ I left in an envelope on my desk. Thank goodness I found it after all this organizing. I also discovered my psi chi certificate which I hadn't realized I never looked at, and this quote on a sticky paraphrasing one of the key figures of the Baha'i Faith..."Knowledge of the true self is identical with the knowledge of God." That's always been one of my favorite quotes.

The past couple days have been emotionally draining...but I'm feeling better just because I had a small catharsis...what I need now is to meditate some more... and re-discover what my goals are for both the next month as well as the future. I'm still searching for my "happy thought", but I feel some peace of mind which is always a start. I always liked that concept of the "happy thought" from the movie Hook...I know it sounds corny to analyze what is suppose to be a little kid movie...but I find it insightful. I mean, if you have just one happy thought, then you can fly...and that's what I'm searching for in a career and life...something to be passionate about, a purpose.


Happy B-day Em!

now I'm just hurt...and it's not even about Tomson either..

Today has been pretty eventful...or I should say yesterday, plus the 4 and a half hours into today...My plan was to see Sue, (the neighbor) & play piano at her house, meet Dr. Kean, have a GRE study group session, and then have a kick back at Raf's house just b/c the ID-SURE meetings ended Thursday & I wouldn't really be seeing many people around anymore. Instead the party at Raf's house was cancelled, & so was the GRE study group session. However, I got to see my family from San Diego, and Sheena called me to see if I wanted to go clubbing. We had been talking about going out for awhile, so I definitely wanted to go. It was Merrian's (Sheena's good friend) sister's b-day, so we went to her party for a couple hours. Her sister was so wasted, but she was sober enough to have a vague idea that she was pretty drunk. Then a bunch of the girls there wanted to go to this bar in Huntington beach...I was under the impression it was more of a club, but it turned out it was just a bar with loud music. I can officially say, that was the first 21 & over place I went to. It was so freakin' crowded, it was almost impossible to dance, and I met a few guys who were ok. I didn't really like the bar in general, but I loved the area that it was in, because I hadn't realized that there is so much to do by the beach. THe beach itself closes kinda early, but everything a few min. from the beach is open till 1 or 2 AM. I definitely want to go back to that area sometime, and check everything out, because I'm always complaining that there's nothing to do, when there are places as busy as L.A. only 20 min. from where I live.

I am glad this summer has been going well so far. I thought it would be unimaginably boring, but I have surprisingly proved myself wrong so far. I guess my parents moving in, isn't so bad for one thing. I'd rather them be here, than me be by myself. And yesterday, my spirit was greatly lifted. Sheena called me in the morning to ask if I wanted to go to Sahar's and Pedrom's graduation. I had absolutely no plans, so I got ready, Sheena picked me up, and we headed off to Aldrich Park. It was a beautiful day, perfect whether for a graduation. After congratulating them and taking pictures, Sheena and I went shopping for awhile and then went to this senior center for their party. When I first saw it...I though it was hilarious...but I realized it was a community center rather than a nursing home.

It was so awesome to see everyone there. Most people who went were Baha'i and I hadn't seen them in so long. I got to talk to May and Maha, who I really hadn't talked to in years...plus Pedrom's older sister, (who I found out also went to North High School), Katia, Kimiya, Becky, and both Tinas. Sheena, Kimiya, and I had an interesting conversation about the existence of God, and how the mind can be a powerful tool in healing the body. We had a blast listening to Andy, watching Sahar's parents dance, seeing Pedrom and his sister Indian dancing, salsa dancing ourselves at one point, and then lastly, we watched Sahar and Pedrom smack the crap out of a pinata. I'm not generally that social among big groups of people, but I find it really easy to talk to Baha'i people. They're so warm and welcoming. It doesn't matter if it's been a month, or a year; I could talk to them and not feel awkward about it. Even with the people I met somewhat recently, I can talk to them almost like I've known them for years.

This week has been emotionally draining, but I am so happy that this year is over! I worked really hard, and whether it necessarily shows in my grades or not...at least I still feel a sense of accomplishment. I got an A in experimental psych which I was thrilled about because I finally conducted my own experiment w/ my lab partners and all that hard work payed off! I also got a 50$ gift certificate from the bookstore for signing up for summer school! Yay!

I was taking my stats final today and it was taking me forever to calculate everything. I figured out that I was doing something wrong, and had to start one of the problems over again. I was literally trembling because I didn't have much time, and I was trying to work as fast as possible. They were calling out 10 min. and I still had half the test left to complete...I couldn't believe it. My mind was going numb, and I had to let my hands take over to keep writing. They called time...and I hadn't finished about a third of it. I was too stunned to do anything but hand in my test and leave. I walked out and saw Sheena...before I could finish getting the words out, I just started sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't care who saw me, or that I looked like crap.

I was in total shock. I had an A+ in the class, and I totally screwed myself over with the final. It was the first final I ever failed and it wasn't even because I didn't know how to do it. It was simply that I didn't have enough time. Sheena was trying to console me, by saying that I was still going to pass, and although she made me feel a little bit better, whatever I was feeling...disappointment would be an understatement. Sheena gave me a ride home and I just stood outside the condo for a long time, looking at the sky, trying to calm down.

So, I've distanced myself from it, and I feel slightly better...but that doesn't help my GPA any.

Why can't I shake this feeling? I hate feeling frustrated. I should just detatch myself, not from people and life, but detatch myself from this mindset. Detatch myself from my expectations. I once read that expectations lead to man's greatest disappointment and I think it's true. So I resolve to detatch myself and just writing this has made me feel slightly better...